Sunday, March 06, 2005
screwy days.
looks can be deceiving. how true. you do not know whether the person is really happy or not, is feeling depressed, frustrated, hypocritical... there are so many emotions that are deep inside us and only we, ourselves know how we feel. what you are seeing on the surface is definitely not what is going on deep inside one's heart or mind.
-i got this from eve's blog.
i guess it's really true.
sometimes i wished ppl close to me really know how i feel deep down inside. but some how or rather i dont seem to get this kind of familar feeling anymore. my closest friends seems drifted apart and i really feel painful to see our friendship continue this way. i really wanna back the familar closeness we once shared. but it seems impossible. it's either your boyfriend aint happy abt us, you guys always quarrel till no mood to meet friends, some stay too far and dont wanna meet..........blah blah blah. i still remember we once said and promised that we wont allow any guys to come in between us. but look what's happening now? i just feel so disappointed. i mean is our friendship bond really that thin? sigh..so thin until you rather tell an outsider what's gg on inside you but not us. so thin until you can even lie to us..what other more things are you hiding from us? sigh..
parents. they love us. but is asking them something that we want is wrong? yeah i may be lucky compared to some of you. but some or you may be lucky in some ways compared to me. lucky cant be measured or compared who is luckier than who. am i asking too much things at one shot? i dont know. i also feel that my family is falling apart. my dad just got home from China and he's leaving again for i-dont-know-where on wednessday. they said i am no longer the girl they used to know. i mean i'm 18. i do grow up and change in thinkings..i've got more needs and i need more freedom. mummy, sometimes when you ask me for my friends number just to check on me, do you know howi feel inside? i know you just wanna be sure and you're concerned. but deep deep inside me, i feel ashamed! even when you call fabian. i just feel like i dont know where to hide my face. besides stephanie and daphne, no other ppl's parents call me. why do you seem like you want my whole phonebook contact list? can you stop treating me like an small 3-year old kid? sigh..as a 18 year old person i also do want my face!
jealousy. jealousy leads to hatred. but i dont want it happen. i know it's just some girl. but why do i feel a sense of envy-ness and jealousy towards ____? i feel inferior. and i feel that you dont really understand what's gg inside me when i mention something abt ____. everyone wants face, wants to win someone. and the worst thing is i feel inferior. how? how am i supposed to get rid of this feeling? i feel like i've got no fate with you but she got loads. Majors. i am hating majors now. i dont wanna face gg into SE and you gg into same class or even course as ____. i feel so helpless! and i hate that kind of feeling. i know you'll just say that there is no point feeling this way. you love only me. but i've heard enough of that. it aint helping. i feel bitter whenever i think of ____. how am i goana cont living like nothing happened? i feel pain. i feel bitter. no one knows. except you. so maybe to you, you think i'm unreasonable. i know you talk to bin. but i dont talk to anyone abt you. maybe i do once in awhile. i hate it. i feel stressed. over exams, ____. i broke down quite a number of times at night. i got back up on my feet by day. but inside me hasnt got back on my feet yet. how many ppl know that i'm just smiling on the ouside while i'm frowning inside. i'm just laughing on the outside when i'm actually crying inside. but i dont wanna anyone to know. and i cant let anyone know. how can i make this feeling go away? sigh.
i've let out so much. but it only helped abit. night seemes to become my breaking down time, where all the sorrows that i stocked up by day flood back my brain, laughter seem to leave me when night falls. day has become a lie. all the happiness that i protrayed are bullshit. while i only can stock up my sorrows in a deep and dark corner of my heart and brain.
sigh. how long must i be like this. i want this feeling to go away. but it seems so hard and i dont feel like trying. i just feel so weak. just feel like surrendering to sorrow. i feel no more energy to fight unhappiness. sigh. i need you badly at this period of time. i know i may be unreasonable most of the time. so i apologize in advance now and please please dont leave me alone regardless any situation alright? i still love you as much as before..
sigh..
sketched--* [at]
11:50 PM